bumpty, bumpty.

the main question about cop rock is usually, “how did this ever happen?” but i’d rather know, “why couldn’t this exist in the DVR age?”

disappointed face.

the golden age.

perfect.

yesterday and today.

yesterday:

and today:

please exist soon: wake n’ bacon

though it’s been in my consciousness for a number of years now, it now seems more important than ever — what with the economy tanking, worldwide food shortages, and gary busey — to ask one important question to the millionaire risk-takers of the world: throw some money behind wake n’ bacon and get this fucker made. we’ve skirted by on the brink of annihilation for far too long as a civilization without our bacon being prepared already when we wake up. let’s right this wrong. and then darfur.

“elegant women are very rare, i’m greek.”

so, guy meets girl. girl reluctantly gives guy phone number. guy calls soon after, gives best stalk pep-talk.

or, as put by the person who posted this awesome voice mail message (the video of which is largely irrelevant):

Okay guys here is the info on this voicemail. One of my friend’s from work and her friend were out one night in the SF Marina district and were hanging outside of the bars trying to find a cab. One of the girl’s, Olga ends up meeting this guy Dmitri and they talk for at the most 2 minutes. She hands him her business card and says call me.

Well attached is the actual voicemail that this guy left her. Wait till you hear it you will be laughing so hard you’ll fall out of your chair.

some thoughts on two seminal versions of the seminal phil collins jam, “sussudio”

in the first version, a bloodless blond muppet spazz-dances and lip synchs to an abbreviated version of SUSSUDIO to a triumvirate of judges seemingly comprised of his grandmothers:

a few reactions:

1. if you surround it with a blue sport coat and wear white pants, even a trapper keeper can look stylish.

2. puttin on the kids (incidentally, could this title be more appropriate?) could not afford a fake microphone for duffy to hold, but he deftly improvised.

3. ever wonder if a series of overlapping triangles would constitute a suitable background for a talent competition? how about now?

4. “oh, your dad’s name is normal? and he called you ‘duffy?’ what an ass.”

5. as a tv show host, the pinnacle of your profession is inversely proportional to how frequently you must interview your guests from your knees.

in the second rendition, an emaciated, considerably-less-talented, 1980s manchild version of david archuleta joins fergie (and backup dancer mario lopez!) in a rollicking shriekfest the likes of which only child star factory kids incorporated could have produced:

1. ha ha. fergie.

front pages of accidental irony, msnbc.com edition

apollo face!

the prose of craigslist…

or just a flowery appeal for a blowjob? you decide.

I met you when the lilacs bloomed, it must have been spring. The northeast winds shifted the clouds and chilled the buds, teasing your hair and making me smile. So tall, I had to look up, your shoulders covered the sun and I wondered, wondered how this could be. I hurled towards the moon then, I know not exactly when, but my feet left the earth as I saw you…the most beautiful thing in heaven. Your eyes followed me but I wanted to touch you, or feel your lips brush my thighs, instead I lost my nerve and bit my tongue. A drop of blood blossomed, metallic and sweet, I tasted my days from solitude and vowed to live this one with you. Somewhere I heard a chickadee sing and time froze in April — I fell for you, unfurled my hidden hurt too and imagined your hands lift me higher. 

My life, I live it day by day, and happiness hovers silently like kittens stealing cream; sometimes softly kissing my ears or brushing back a hair, but at other times, like today, your presence made it sublime. Take me. Show me this blinding darkness called love. But go slow when I falter, even if I were never to see light again, envelope me in your strong arms and give me night. Hold me when I cry from this painful pleasure of yours and mine intertwined. Yet deeper still into the abyss, our souls will mix and only a part of me will remain to color these memories. Come to me lover, do not fear. Because of you my pulse flutters like a hummingbird, I am ready, let the fire burn us to ashes. This little death is worth more than a thousand lifetimes without you. 

Michael, it is Spring again, do you smell the lilacs? Do you remember? 

M4M, 
~M. 

newsweek wonders what i wonder: where did “under the bus” come from?

long ago, i asked a deeply penetrating sociological question: who are we throwing under the bus? implicit, i hope, in this profoundly fascinating inquiry, was the larger question of, “where did this wildly overused and increasingly meaningless phrase originate?” well, now it seems like newsweek  has joined this critically important crusade with an inquiry of their own. so if you said the answer is cyndi lauper, well then you win.

In the last few years, “thrown under the bus” has become the leading cliché of the political blame game. Former Arkansas attorney general Bud Cummins used it to assess the fate of nine colleagues who were mysteriously dismissed in 2006; rocker Melissa Etheridge used it last year to characterize the lives of gays and lesbians after the 1992 presidential election, and earlier this year MSNBC political reporter David Schuster claimed he was “thrown under the bus” for an uncouth on-air remark he made about Chelsea Clinton. 

In general, “thrown under the bus” is a metaphor for what happens when someone takes a hit for someone else’s actions. But unlike its etymological cousins, “scapegoat” and “fall guy,” the phrase suggests a degree of intimacy between the blamer and the blamed. That’s why it might have been on the tip of everyone’s tongue this week. Jeremiah Wright was Obama’s religious mentor, after all, the person who officiated at his marriage and baptized his kids. And while Obama distanced himself from Wright’s sermons, he also humanized the fiery preacher by attributing his remarks to the lingering injuries of racism. In other words, according CNN’s senior political analyst David Gergen: “He didn’t throw him under the bus.” 

 ….

But who was the first person to squawk about throwing someone under the bus, or being thrown under themselves? In an interview with NEWSWEEK, William Safire, the author of “Safire’s Political Dictionary,” traced the popularization of the phrase back to Cyndi Lauper, who jauntily tossed her critics “under the bus” after the release of her debut album “She’s So Unusual” in 1983, says Safire. But he suspects that the phrase has deeper roots in minor-league baseball, where players are almost always bused to away games. In fact, its original meaning could be have been quite literal: be on time for the bus, or you will be thrown underneath it, into the storage bays. He says the metaphor has also been used as a way to say “get with it, or get lost,” as in “you’re either on the bus, or you’re under it.” He isn’t quite sure when the meaning of the phrase crystallized into the act of “summarily and decisively rejecting someone.”

picture of the day, 03.18.08

wherein a courtroom-sketched heather mills mccartney pours water over the head of paul mccartney’s lawyer, before learning that she’ll only receive roughly $50 million in their divorce settlement, instead of her requested sum of approximately $250 million. 

the best anti-war, pro-business, tupac-referencing, hungarian rap song you’ll ever hear

HANNAH MONTANA RESPONDS!!!!!1

as the number one interest of humans aged 0-19, i have a very busy schedule and a ton of responsibility! you guys! one thing i’ve realized, though i’m not hannah montana, is that a lot of people can’t understand the internet, and thus think that not only am i hannah montana (nee, “milly” cyrus), but that i’ll respond to your letters as her. so i thought, why not do that? doesn’t hannah montana owe that to her fans? and if not, shouldn’t i pretend i’m her and give it to them anyway? YES.

 from: Lauren

“Hannah you are the person that I look up to because when I want to grow up my mom wants me tolearn different languages and go around the world. But I want to grow up and be a rockstar just like you. You totally inspire me. Keep on rockin’ Hannah!

P.S. Please reply and don’t ignor”

HANNAH MONTANA RESPONDS:

Dear Lauren,

I am considerably taller than you, and that significant height advantage has given me a certain world-wariness you’d never understand. Your mom is most likely pinning all of her desires for you in an effort to compensate for the failures of her own life. Don’t travel; everything you need to see and learn in life can be found inside your own home. I’m speaking here of the basement, and sometimes the cupboard. So ignore her advice, get some drums, or a guitar, or some other instrument that you won’t fail at (like your mom likely did!) and keep on rockin’ yourself!

XOXOXO,

HANNAH MONTANA 

cool new internet thing

source: the internet.

oh, really, msnbc?

displaying the sort of journalistic integrity and penetrating intuition that made them synonymous with “AP news aggregator, internet version,” msnbc.com today considers a topic many of us have considered, but none have yet explored verbally, much less in list form: which actors probably smell the worst? the smelliest, according to msnbc contributor ree hines:

“I’m britney spears and i shop at sears.”

in which, while searching for an SNL skit, i come across this video:

anatomy: explained.

[courtesy of the reanimation library.]

who’s got their panties in a bunch?

the answer may shock you:

• obama
• the NFL
• the national review
• catholics
• wimbledon traditionalists
• donald trump
• the internet
• jerry seinfeld
• iran
• boston
• another philospher
• the GOP
• a 60-year-old woman

 

bad puns + image editing + tv themes = amazingness.

bad movies, good clips: christopher walken in gigli

a crude attempt to trigger david cross’ google alert.

hi david,

so, how effective is that google alert?

in an effort to balance some of the negative “blogwaves” (or, “negablogity”) you must be getting, i think it’s crucial for you to know that i love you very much. (i’m not in love with you, though, so please don’t be frightened or feel the need to become litigious.) while i won’t likely see every piece of shit you’re involved in, i’ll always think you’re the best part of that piece of shit, and i’ll wear my soft david cross jammy jams and use your FDA-approved mouthwash until the day i die.

and perhaps it should be known that i opted not to use your PETA ad as the accompanying pic here because, while i love you unconditionally (and in a very safe, reasoned way, which would certainly be condoned by most state governments), your chest hair has always made me a little uncomfortable.

love,

a blogger

happy “the new year,” crazytown dion style.

[thanks, best week ever]

michael buble vs. glenn beck: insurmountable douchebaggery competition or secret affair?

in this exciting interview clip, headline news windbag beck and “classic” buble manage to be awkward, ear-shattering, sycophantic, homoerotic, offensive, and captivating all at the same time.

50 enjoyable albums from 2007

according to some guy, and in this loose order:

• 1. lcd soundsystem, sound of silver
• 2. a band of bees, the octopus
• 3. spoon, ga ga ga ga ga
• 4. peel, peel
• 5. vampire weekend, vampire weekend
• 6. fiery furnaces, widow city
• 7. field music, tones of town
• 8. mia, kala
• 9. jens lenkman, night falls over kortadela
• 10. sharon jones, 100 days, 100 nights
• 11. fujiya & miyagi, transparent things
• 12. the boggs, fort
• 13. white rabbits, fort nightly
• 14. arthur & yu, in camera
• 15. dr. dog, we all belong
• 16. califone, roots and crowns
• 17. clap your hands say yeah!, some loud thunder
• 18. wilco, sky blue sky
• 19. radiohead, in rainbows
• 20. amy winehouse, back to black
• 21. rogue wave, asleep at heaven’s gate
• 22. broken west, i can’t go on, i’ll go on
• 23. beirut, the flying club cup
• 24. new pornographers, challengers
• 25. animal collective, strawberry jam
• 25. okkervil river, the stage names
• 26. electrelane, no shouts, no calls
• 27. menomena, friend and foe
• 28. parts & labor, mapmaker
• 29. david vandervelde, the moonstation house band
• 30. kings of leon, because of the times
• 31. blonde redhead, 23
• 32. band of horses, cease to begin
• 33. imperial teen, the hair, the tv, the baby, and the band
• 34. andrew bird, armchair apocrypha
• 35. the national, boxer
• 36. radical face, ghost
• 37. bill callahan, woke on a whaleheart
• 38. bishop allen, the broken string
• 39. feist, the reminder
• 40. the good, the bad, and the queen, the good, the bad, and the queen
• 41. akron family, love is simple
• 42. kanye west, graduation
• 43. caribou, andorra
• 44. panda bear, person pitch
• 45. page france, …and the family telephone
• 46. tegan & sara, the con
• 47. bloc party, a weekend in the city
• 48. angels of light, we are him
• 49. grinderman, grinderman
• 50. laura veirs, saltbreakers

harry potter meets art

brad neely rules.

today in the craigslist jokes forum

first post:

brand new joke

a teacher goes to school and he doesnt talk much
the students says why are you so quiet today?
he says i left my false teeth at home, i cant talk
then a student goes to the teachers house to get it for him (for extra credit)
then the teacher talks too much
and the stuedents get tired and say whats wrong wtih you why are you talking so much
he says…

…

….

you brought me my wife’s teeth!!
hahaha 

response:

New joke, Your gay

what are today’s buzzwords?

why not let a simple google search again answer the questions that briefly flit through my consciousness. and feel free to use these revolutionary terms (with or without definitions or context, really) at your next staff meeting, corporate training event, policy speech, or cocktail party:

• fascism
• professional
• innovation
• web 2.0
• collaboration
• diversity
• podcast
• synergy (’90s holdout)
• global terrorism
• scalability
• de-equitization
• evolution (!)
• integration

fun with LARP videos

please compare these two nearly identical videos of some LARPing.

vs.

is one subtly more awesome? lightning bolt!

today in the forums: internet posts taken out of context, laguna beach/the hills edition

Forum: TVgasm Forums > Laguna Beach/The Hills

Thread: The Hills Season 3

User: JulieM

Posted: 08-15-2007, 12:39 PM

Comment:
I’ve thought on this awhile and just see that “art” as a way of Spencer getting her tighter into his grips. It’s as if he dared her to say she didn’t love it and she looked like she wouldn’t dare say that she didn’t like it. I don’t think I’m that different from most people and trust me if I came home and saw that caca on my wall, I’d say “what the f*ck is that and when are you painting over it.” But Heidi is so desperate she looked actually frightened to say anything as if she did, he’d dump her…and he knows it.

seinfeld: could this guy BEE more of a dick?

IMPORTANT! jerry seinfeld, who apparently once had a television show of some sort and, if the rumor factory is to bee beelieved, has an animated feature opening this weekend in movie houses across the nation, was a colossal dick to larry king on the old man’s talky program:

more on this “seinfeld” chap after i scour wikipedia.

shitty-ass song o’ the day: “all mixed up,” 311

verily, the popular music of the ’90s was a vapid pile of shit. for the most part, the airwaves were dominated by stale, angst-y, same-sounding grunge songs mixed with glossy, overproduced, soulless pop, belligerent gangsta rap, and spineless country. throw in brief attempts at mainstream success by the goth and industrial camps, zeitgeist-raping dreck like “mambo #5” and “the macarena,” and the bookending nightmare of the last gasp of hair metal/power ballads and the absolutely shitkicking combination of hip hop with rock, and it was a decade-long ren fairre-level of awful.

this last group was wonderfully epitomized and even tweaked by 311. melding white boy funk, white boy hip hop, and white boy rock into a powerful white boy machine of nasally vocals, ridiculous lyrics, and all encompassing radio ubiquity. after gaining some campus-level popularity in the mid-to-late part of the decade, around the same time american radio listeners were about to be tricked into their tempestuous love affair with the gallagher brothers and “cumbersome,” 311 became radio staples with a trio of shitty, unspeakably annoying and overplayed singles. finally, bong-sucking trust fund brahs could fill the void of an appropriate soundtrack to which they could merrily hack and date rape that legend, dave matthews bootlegs, and sublime couldn’t.

i fucking hate 311, so to honor that hatred, here’s one of their ridiculous songs, popularized again in 2007 in beatbox fashion by that one american idol beatboxing guy.

hey, wildfire victims, iraqi citizens, and others dealing with middling crises: try being britney.

sure, sure, maybe you lost your home in a fire started by a little boy with matches, maybe your country has been invaded and bungled by an outside force, or perhaps you’re poor or lonely or raped or dying. or maybe all of those. that’s rough, but you know what’s, like, really hard? recording albums and shit, and like, remembering you have kids. y’all:

Britney Spears defended her parenting and chastised her critics, lamenting “how cruel our world can be,” in a brief interview on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show Wednesday.

When “American Idol” host, who has a morning radio show on KIIS-FM in Los Angeles, asked Spears if she was doing all she could for her children, Spears replied, “Oh God yeah.”

“People say what they want and do what they do and it’s sad how people, how cruel our world can be,” she said. “At the end of the day … you’ve just got to know in your heart that you’re doing the best you can and that’s basically it.”

bram stoker’s larry king

seriously, what the hell is going on with his hair here. and when will he interview it.

no, no, no. wait…yes! viva laughlin is a GREAT idea!

update: after merely two (2) episodes, viva laughlin has been cancelled. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

oh, right.

woman hits giraffe with car. in south carolina.

for a state plagued by controversy over the confederate flag and pretty much no additional things, south carolina now has another huge, racially divisive problem on its hands: it’s probably being overrun by giraffes. highway giraffes.

dubious? think it was probably a deer or a horse? well, this lady knows what deer and horses look like. from the post and courier (they couldn’t decide on one, apparently):

The 911 dispatcher sounded incredulous.

A giraffe? Yes, the woman caller insisted.

The animal she sideswiped in her car while driving on S.C. Highway 174 near the Dahoo Bridge Thursday morning was a giraffe.

“I do know one thing: it was bigger than a horse,” she told the operator. “I know what a deer looks like. I know what a horse looks like.”

There were two of them in the road, she said. She couldn’t avoid hitting one of them. It damaged her passenger-side mirror.

Were they injured? The caller wasn’t sure. They ran away.

the highly entertaining audio is here. if there was an award for incredulity, the 911 operator should certainly be given some consideration.

hey, remember that baby whose idiot parents let her fall into their well in the ’80s?

well, now she’s angelica huston. and is soon to be a millionaire:

MIDLAND, Texas – The 18-month old girl pulled from a backyard well two decades ago is now a young wife and mother — one waiting to collect donations given to her during her ordeal that are expected to total $1 million or more.

The anniversary of Jessica McClure’s rescue passed Tuesday like almost every other day in the 21-year-old’s life, with no public comment from her about the event that once captivated viewers around the world.

The young wife and mother is living quietly in this West Texas oil patch city, the same one where she fell into the backyard well.

today in fanfiction: a very special growing pains

in this edition of internet fanfic, we finally learn what became of tv’s the seaver family after whatever happened in their final episode, which probably involved some of that trademark thickian smarm, a plot-contrived mix-up, and a guy named boner. critically important revelations contained here include: mom and pop seaver are dead, chrissy”s birthday is coming up, and carol is sorry she exists but also knows a thing or two about being used.

behold:

Mike came in looking very angry.

“Where is Carol” Mike asked Ben angrily.

“In her room” Ben replied taking a bite of his sandwich.

“How could you do that to me?” Mike shouted as soon as he got into Carol’s room.

“Do what to you Mike?” Carol asked.

“You told on me. I thought you would be on my side since you’re my sister.”

“Mike what you were doing was wrong I had to stop you,” Carol said.

“SO now dating a girl is wrong.” Mike yelled.

“No, Mike you and me both now you were going to use her. Do you know how bad that is?” Carol said getting very angry with Mike now.

“So what. You were right I was going to use her. But she would have gotten over it anyways.”

“No she wouldn’t have, you don’t know how it feels like to be used do you?” Carol said.

“oh and you do?”

holy crap, the osmonds.

look at how they rock, in the way that only a gigantic mormon family in the 70’s could.

who’s being thrown under the bus?

• the democratic base
• “my bitch-ass wife”
• don rumsfeld
• IT teams
• alberto gonzalez
• smokers
• everything from microsoft
• transgender people
• a-rod
• taxpayers
• the anti-war left
• a 309-pound guy

a google image search for “wtf”