Archive for the 'bad tv/tv bad' Category

bumpty, bumpty.

the main question about cop rock is usually, “how did this ever happen?” but i’d rather know, “why couldn’t this exist in the DVR age?”

disappointed face.

michael buble vs. glenn beck: insurmountable douchebaggery competition or secret affair?

in this exciting interview clip, headline news windbag beck and “classic” buble manage to be awkward, ear-shattering, sycophantic, homoerotic, offensive, and captivating all at the same time.

no, no, no. wait…yes! viva laughlin is a GREAT idea!

update: after merely two (2) episodes, viva laughlin has been cancelled. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

oh, right.

so, you want to be a new american gladiator.

in addition to the proper attire, in addition to bringing your introduction videotape and two (2) non-returnable photos with you to the open call, you’ll have to answer some rather probing and intense questions if you want to be a contestant on the new american gladiators (working title).

are you adequately prepared? below are some highlights of the 27-page (!) application, or you can have a look at the whole thing here.

1) Who is your current employer and occupation? (What job pays your bills now?)

“listen, we’re not fucking around here. we’re going to ask probing, intense questions, and if the language is too dense, well, maybe we’ll parse it for you.”

3) What is the next milestone in your life if you do not make the show?

look, we know that this is the biggest thing that will ever happen to you. but just out of curiosity, what’s the next biggest?

6) Who are your current roommates? How well do you get along?

16) Who do you live with and for how long?

NBC, the company that redefined the word “gladiator” for a new generation, has trouble with the word “roommate.”

10) How are you competitive in your every day life?

…very?

13) Have you had any experiences that have traumatized you? If yes, please explain:

19) What conversation topics are “off limits” for you at a dinner party?

21) If you were going to be in People magazine, what inside info about you would be put up next to your picture?

“what’s the best way for us to not only get under your skin, but craft your persona and storyline for the duration of your time on the show?”

Continue reading ‘so, you want to be a new american gladiator.’

oh, you’ve done it now, abc television network.

this show. this fucking show (incredulous emphasis mine).

From the producers of ABC’s The Bachelor (!!) comes The Great American Dream Vote, a new show that gives anyone and everyone the chance to make his/her lifelong dream come true. In this fast-paced (wrong) and exciting (god, no) series, all you need is the ability to dream — and to convince America to vote for you. Want to make magic and miracles in your life? Just tap into your fantasies — from having your own chicken petting zoo to a Bassett Hound senior center, a dream wedding to saving the family business — anything is possible. (did anyone double-check that sentence for hilarity before posting?) All you have to do is convince America to vote for you.

The Great American Dream Vote, hosted by pop icon Donny Osmond, will premiere WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET), with a special preview airing TUESDAY, MARCH 27 (10:00-11:00 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network.

The Great American Dream Vote challenges contestants to reveal their wildest dreams on primetime television, and then the studio audience votes on which contestant’s dream stays alive. Here’s how it works: Each episode will introduce contestants from all across America who will reveal a lifelong dream to the studio audience and explain why the dream deserves to be fulfilled. (sample: “i want hair because i currently don’t have any!”) The contestants will square off when the studio audience casts votes, eliminating several rounds of players. At the end of each show, two finalists will remain. Viewers at home will then vote on which of the two most deserves to have his or her dream realized. The winner will be revealed the following week.

The show is hosted by Donny Osmond, whose multi-faceted 43-year career has evolved from pre-teen recording idol with the Osmond’s into such varied roles as host of talk, variety and game shows, the toast of Broadway in Beauty and the Beast, bestselling author, and solo recording star with 33 gold and platinum records to his credit.

nevermind the title, which is mind-fuckingly ridiculous. forget about donny osmond, a cultural afterthought who looks like an animatronic, sand-blasted hybrid of mr. belding and a pancake, and can’t speak…a SENtence. inareasonableCADENCE. pay no mind to the too-ready-to-awwww audience who were clearly shown videos of pandas napping and puppies licking babies before the show to amp up their endless sympathy. no, nevermind that. what’s really fascinating here are the dreams of people. real, american people and their lifelong dreams. lifelong dreams like not being bald. like starting a rescue center for senior basset hounds (wtf wtf wtf). like making your daughter fulfill your own porcelain dandy dreams of being a fucking beauty queen. seriously america? these are your dreams? seriously abc, you want to help these people? tell them how a loan works and send them to bank. or teach them how to work for things they want.

but not this. these aren’t miracles and this isn’t magic. it’s absurd and insulting.

today in the forums: internet posts taken out of context, hannah montana edition

Forum: Hannah Montana

Thread: If you could be on Hannah Montana……

User:
missfrizzyLevel 13
Regal Beagle

Posts: 250

Posted: 03/15/2007 5:06pm

Comment:

I would be Oliver’s stepsister named mia make fun of oliver because hes has a poorer family that mia rich family and learn mileys secret and keep it a secret.

hey, hey hey heeeey. hey, hey hey heeeey. (or, “thank you, theme song gods.”)

dear bravo,

your piece-of-shit new reality show, top design, is a bland, tedious piece of shit. but the theme song is perhaps the greatest, most evolved bit of recorded music since LFO informed us of their hatred of chinese food.

so, thanks for that.

signed,

blog