my baby has power steering.

humanity, you’ve done it again!

Woman Allegedly Trades Her Baby For A Car

(CBS) PUEBLO, Colo. Pueblo police said a 23-year-old woman is in jail facing felony charges on suspicion she traded her five-month-old son for a used car.

Police Sergeant Brett Wilson says the department was notified of the alleged baby swap yesterday morning. Within hours, they had mother Nicole Uribe behind bars and the baby safely placed with a foster home.

Wilson says Uribe traded her son to 47-year-old Jose-Juan Lerma and his 27-year-old wife, Irene, for a used Dodge Intrepid.

All three are facing a felony count of trafficking in children and are being held on $50,000 bond.

for a dodge intrepid? seriously? please consult the baby bluebook next time, future crazy mothers of the country. also, there is a video report.

EAGLEMAN

the following is a commercial for one of chicago’s most amazing exports, eagle man insurance. following the video is a transcription of same, done with love and admiration.

“Eagleman”

FADE IN

EXT. STREET, DAYTIME

A shiny black Chevrolet screeches to a halt.

INT. CAR, 1980s

A THUD is heard from above as a BLONDE in the passenger seat turns to look at a BRUNETTE, who is driving. There is most likely a Whitesnake concert nearby.

BRUNETTE
What’s that?

BLONDE
Do you have insurance on this car?

BRUNETTE (covers mouth to hide inadequacy)
No!

BLONDE
It must be Eagleman!

BRUNETTE says nothing and abruptly exits the car.

some of these kids are apparently too sick to participate in this sick song.

college students are vain? no fucking way.

in a probing study that took more than 20 years to complete and makes me want to shoot myself, san diego state university has come to the shocking conclusion that today’s college students are, like, totally into themselves. the bad news? other people hate pompous dicks. the bright side? it might help you get on idol:

NEW YORK (AP) — Today’s college students are more narcissistic and self-centered than their predecessors, according to a comprehensive new study by five psychologists who worry that the trend could be harmful to personal relationships and American society.

“We need to stop endlessly repeating ‘You’re special’ and having children repeat that back,” said the study’s lead author, Professor Jean Twenge of San Diego State University. “Kids are self-centered enough already.”

also weird and disturbing? “dog police.”

dog police, where are you coming from?

congratulations, spam e-mailers!

you have just reached an exciting new low, as evidenced by the “from” field in my gmail spam inbox:

enslaved Africans <eknzhlgel@barak-online.net>

happy days, people. happy days.

training for christian clowns

Holy shit, this is weird and disturbing:

chile-covered dried mango slices

When I was a kid, growing up in San Diego, you could buy these mango (or watermelon) lollipops that were covered in chile powder and various other industrial chemicals. Since I don’t see them very often up here (and since I rarely eat lollipops anymore), this little slice of my childhood had dried and withered away.

But no longer! Trader Joe’s sells dried mango slices covered in the very same selection of spices, potentially without added sugar or industrial chemicals! They taste great (unless you think they taste like crap)!

If you think that dried mango covered in chile powder would taste good, do yourself a favor and check these things out. If  you don’t, wah wah, you’re a little baby and I hate babies.

for what it’s worth: suze orman likes the ladies

on a slow-moving friday, perhaps the most exciting bit of knowledge is that crazy-eyed and perpetually excited tv financial advisor suze orman is a lesbian. in fact, no man has ever seen her portfolio:

In an interview for The New York Times Magazine this coming Sunday, financial guru and TV host Suze Orman gets on Deborah Solomon’s case for not looking out for her own money, partly because “you are a woman.” This inspires Solomon to ask Orman if she is married.

Orman says she “has a relationship with life,” so Solomon presses her, and Suze then reveals that her “life partner” is Kathy Travis and, “We’re going on seven years. I have never been with a man in my whole life. I’m still a 55-year-old virgin.”

Orman says they’d like to get married, and both “have millions of dollars in our name. It’s killing me that upon my death, K.T. is going to lose 50 percent of everything I have to estate taxes. Or vice versa.”

Pressed again, she says that estimates that she is worth $25 million are “pretty close.”

She says she has about a million dollars in the stock exchange, because if she loses it all “I don’t personally care.”

the bitch is back, doggy style

if this report in today’s san francisco chronicle is any indication of a changing cultural norm, it seems like it’ll finally be acceptable to deride the diva dogs of diva princesses just as much as their owners:

Dog Store Sign Angers Seattle Residents

A newly opened store catering to very pampered dogs, especially female dogs, is getting more than questioning looks for its name, High Maintenance Bitch.

eye on: eyewitness news teams

Station: WOWT, NBC-6

Location: Omaha, NE

Motto: “The People You Know, The News You Trust”

Sample Headlines:

Redheads for a Reason

Father of Little Boy Blue Commits Suicide

Man Stung by Stereo Sale

Officers Break up Disturbance

Program-related attempts at station name-branding:

6 News Precision Webcast
6 News Newstream
6 News Health Check
Channel 6 For the Heartland
6 News Broadcast Scholarship
6 On Your Side

BREAKING: unknown activist calls for better fuel economy

michel gondry is good at rubik’s cube

Beginning our series of videos you’ve probably already seen before but I haven’t because I’m out of the loop, here is a cool video of Michel Gondry solving the Rubik’s Cube puzzle with his nose:

wtf, michael medved

because not enough people have been coming forward to defend tim hardaway for his homophobic statements last week, conservative author, film critic, and professional arms-crosser (seriously, look: 1, 2,) michael medved has risen to the task.

below are some choice excerpts and a few responses.

Hardaway appropriately apologized for his harsh remarks, but many (if not most) Americans no doubt share his instinctive reluctance to share showers and locker rooms with open homosexuals.

i would guess that many (and certainly not most) americans don’t even use public showers or locker rooms on a regular basis. and the ones that do are probably well aware that some people they’re sharing the space with might, in fact, be gay. yet still, they press on like valiant soldiers, changing their clothes and bathing as if nothing were wrong.

also showering with us? terrorists and convicted rapists. thankfully, we don’t know their history!

today in the forums: internet posts taken out of context, WoW edition

Forum: World of Warcraft

Thread: Alliance racials not pvp-oriented? LMAO

User: Jixtaeli
*< Clan Ice >
*Zul’jin

Posted: 02/20/2007 07:04:57 PM UTC

Comment:

And someone feel free to explain to me how a human (or to even humor myself, a gnome) would be capable of warstomping? What would you give Taurens exactly? Laying a steaming pile of cow ¤¤¤¤ for you to slip and fall down on?

Right.

…………….(___)………
……………..|Oo|……….
………. /““ OO)………
………/ |____– ……….
…….*…L……L…………. The Cow says Meow

handicapping the next ‘dancing with the stars’

every now and then, the forces of delicious irony unite in such a strong, convincing way that it’s hard to ignore the media’s collective “are you shitting me that it’s going to be this easy?”

one such case comes with today’s hopping good news that when ABC’s dancing with the stars returns to grab our undivided attention on march 9, it will feature the second ex-mrs. mccartney, heather mills. is that ironic in and of itself? no, of course not. but heather mills has a wooden leg (or “artificial limb,” if you prefer euphemisms). and she’ll be competing in a dance competition full of two-legged stars. something she decidedly isn’t. oh boy.

of course, maybe it’s a better angle than a string of yoko ono comparisons. or not:

Jerry Springer, one of last season’s competitors, teased ABC’s “Good Morning America” audience before tossing out Mills’ name.

“She may be a sentimental favorite,” said Springer, even though Mills has Yoko Ono-like favorability ratings among many Beatles fans. Her selection delivers a message that whatever challenges people face in life, they can dance, he said.

what’s on clearance at the NRA store?

Item: “Shrouded Forrest”

Was: $99.95

Clearance price: $59.95

Description:

“This classic Daniel Smith portrayal of our national symbol taking flight is elegant enough for museum or gallery walls yet warm enough for your den or office. Each print has a faux canvas treatment that provides not only protection of the artwork, but is mounted to create another dimension to the cherry frame. Deeply carved natural cherry frame envelops the image and is ready for hanging. The carved appliqué is solid cherry and features the NRA logo and reproduction
of the Second Amendment. Measures 12″ X 16″. Imported.”

Why you need it: The reasons are several-fold. Firstly, lest a proud gun owner forget the crucial verbiage of the 2nd amendment, this handsome piece of artwork displays the all-important amendment/protest rally cry in a lasting, cherry frame that you can display in a variety of useful locales, from your den to your office. Secondly, the cherry frame is cornered by four etched stars, which represent 2/25ths of our proud nation’s gun-wielding states. Thirdly, look at that eagle, boldy taking flight against the dark forces of terror. Lastly, did they mention the cherry frame? Oh right, three fucking times.

pundits on a plane!

last week, bad weather and some inept airline problem solving left passengers aboard several flights departing from the east coast stranded on their frozen, immobile plane for up to nine or ten hours. while most of these unfortunate passengers were unimportant rubes who have never appeared on tv, much less reported from the floor of a political convention or served as a republican congressman from florida, one of them was msnbc’s joe scarborough. below are some highlights from scarborough’s vivid blog recounting of his tragicomic runway ordeal:

• there were dogs. “The Westminster Dog Show had just ended at Madison Square Garden the night before and apparently Delta Air Lines let it be known that Flight 693 would be the airplane of choice for canines waiting to escape Gotham. As I closed my eyes, the Dog Whisperer seated next to me began breathing sweet nothings into her little critter’s left ear until the pilot came on the intercom to tell dogs and humans alike that we would be sitting at the gate waiting for a break in the weather.”

(sic): a closer look at random myspace profiles, vol 2

a new series wherein myspace pages are viewed, evaluated, copied, pasted, and jovially mocked.

Name: Richie Vomit
Age: 31
Location: Sioux City, Iowa
Quote: “Have Axe, Will Travel”
Children: Proud parent.
Date viewed: 2/20/07

Heroes: Ed Wood Jr., Herschell Gordon Lewis, T.V. Mikels, George Romero, Tobe Hooper, Tom Savini, Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Gunnar Hansen, Bruce Campbell, Kane Hodder, Lloyd Kaufman, Kevin Smith, Rob Zombie, Tony Todd, Christopher Lee, Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Quentin Tarintino, Robert Rodriquez, Sylvester Stallone(it’s true so fuck off!) Roger Corman, Mike Ness, Hank Williams Sr., Johnny Cash, Mike Ness, Chuck Berry, Norman “Sailor Jerry” Collins

random blog: the life of a farm

For those of you who are tired of reading the same old stuff on blogs … how about one centered around a dude who lives on a farm with his three kids in Kentucky? I bet you haven’t read one of those, right? I mean, you probably won’t find anything about Britney Spears shaving her head on it, which is reason enough for me to read it from time to time.

internet addiction isn’t just real — it’s profitable!

Anyone who has spent more than their allotted work break per day surfing the internet has certainly wondered what would happen if the boss walked up and caught em in the act. James Pacenza, 58, of Montogomery, NY was a little more brazen about it than most of us … he was caught visiting an adult chat room at work, and summarily dismissed.

However, was he shirking his duties, or was he an addict? He claims the latter. Pacenza believes that “he is an Internet addict who deserves treatment and sympathy rather than dismissal.” He also claims that “stress caused him to become a sex addict, and with the development of the Internet, an Internet addict.”

chick publication of the month: that crazy guy!

oh, chick publications. you pocket-sized, proselytizing beacons of intolerance. how would we secular and non-christian heathens ever realize how wrong and misguided our lives were without your impeccably drawn, black-and-white (and now featuring black people!) condemnations of our every move?

thankfully, the burdgeoning internet and chick themselves have relieved us of the troubling duty of scoping out these tiny, paneled judgements by posting them online in an easy-to-be-converted-to-the-true-faith format.

proposed north dakota bill to honor bono declared “lem-ahn!”

displaying a remarkable level of restraint and legislative common sense, politicians in north dakota have resisted the seemingly unresistible: a resolution to honor the eternally-wraparound-besunglassed king of international meddling, bono. the reason it failed? what-have-you-done-for-me-everism:

BISMARCK, N.D. – Bono has plenty of fans. But don’t count North Dakota lawmakers among them.

Lawmakers in the House defeated a resolution 58-35 Thursday to honor the U2 frontman for his advocacy of debt relief for Third World countries, saying the Irish rocker had no connection to the state.

Fargo state Rep. Scot Kelsh, who sponsored the measure, said he got the idea for the resolution from a magazine published by the National Conference of State Legislatures, which mentioned that no state at the time had approved a resolution to honor the singer.

“This is something that does matter to us as citizens of North Dakota, the United States, and the world at large,” Kelsh said.

now how will north dakotans show their love of the sainted irishman until he and his cohorts once again regale the throngs of similarly pale midwesterners packed into the fargodome with songs hopefully not from zooropa?

former menudite speaks out against la guerra loca

Here is a blurb about Ricky Martin speaking out against the Iraq War:

“My convictions of peace and life go beyond any government and political agenda and as long as I have a voice onstage and offstage, I will always condemn war and those who promulgate it.”

Now, here is a picture of Ricky Martin:

KULR-8 in billings, mt: too vexing for their shirt?

in a bit of tough-nosed journalism surely incited by a mountain of concerned viewer mail, local ABC affiliate KULR-8 in billings, mt wants to know why there is a disparity in the placement of buttons on men’s and women’s shirts. here, then, are the shocking results of their meticulous research, as featured in their series, “what’s up with that?”*

What’s up with Clothing Accessories?

BILLINGS – Have you ever wondered why the buttons on men’s dress shirts are located on the left side, while on women’s shirts they’re on the right? From our colorful ties, to the fancy buttons on our jackets we wear a lot of things that don’t really serve a purpose, and that just makes a guy wonder what’s up with that.

We spoke to the owner of Marcasa’s in downtown Billings. He says the pocket no longer serves a purpose, but that it used to be used for a pocket watch. Then there’s also the crazy world of shirts. Sure, a lot of them need buttons, but why do men’s shirts button on the left and women’s shirts on the right?

Well, as far as we can determine, the practice dates back several centuries to the days when some women were dressed by maids, and since most people are right handed, the buttons were placed on the right as opposed to the left. If you have a random question about something email it to us at news@kulr.com and we’ll let you know what’s up with that.

the results are truly shocking. how can we go on living if pockets “have no purpose?” if the world of shirts is “crazy?” (what would’ve happened if they interviewed someone from international male?) and when buttons, apparently, are merely “clothing accessories?”

kudos to you, KULR-8. may your impending pulitzer be void of baffling, self-created peculiarites.

*it’s seriously called that.

crackdown watch: what are we cracking down on?

lacking in righteous ire? need something on which to focus your moral nutcracker? here are just a few important topics that are currently ripe for a crackdown.

• blogging
• latin youth gangs
• nigerian scams
• the muslim brotherhood
• therapists who abuse the vulnerable
• deceptive junk e-mail
• dissent
• antisocial behavior in gloucestershire
• animal rights activists
• the internet aliases of pedophiles
  
• 30-year-old vinyl bootlegs
• sex-slave gangsters
• religious freedom and media
• ‘andro’ products
• internet marketers of bogus SARS prevention products
• cold calling
• tunnels
• weeds
• fraudulent food labels
• ring of antiquities looters
• carb claims
• eurasian faces
• soccer fan violence
• dangerous dogs

there is also a 60% chance of malaise.

i yearn for an icon of a sullen, despondent sun listening to morrissey and wondering when, in this messed up world of ours, he can return to the sky and shed rays of happiness over the fine citizens of bismarck, minot, dickinson, and devil’s lake. until then it’s all xanax smoothies and designing women re-runs.

the stupid foods series, volume 1: krispy kreme burger

First, Google reinvented search. Then, they reinvented maps. Later, they reinvented buying other companies. However, that all was mere prologue to their latest development: they have reinvented the McGriddle.

If the picture does not adequately tell the story, that is two grilled Krispy Kreme doughnuts working in the traditional “bun” role of the traditional hamburger. Quoth Google: “Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!”

what should we title an article about sad clowns? is there an appropriate song title we could use?

One of the main functions of a free market economy is that the burgeoning success of one industry can lead to hard times for another. On this note, the modern trend for scary clown-related media (Stephen King’s It, the Insane Clown Posse, Krusty the Clown, etc.) has had a real negative effect on traditional clowns. It’s harder and harder to get that kid’s party gig, and Barnum & Bailey are shells of their former selves. Here’s a article from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution about the untold human cost of the scary clown phenomenon.

dating on demand: “i have sensitive feelings.”

delving into the exciting world of reality television: singing contest edition

Now that the finalists have been announced for television’s most popular singing competition (other than the one where you get to sing for INXS), I would like to take this moment to introduce you to some little known facts about the contestants. This handy field guide should help you when you’re trying to decide who to root for when you watching something else (because the show isn’t interesting from this point on anyway).

welcome back to my consciousness: scott donahoo commercials

in the cutthroat world of car dealership tv commercials in baltimore, one man shone above the staid jingle + pedestrian graphics recipe of his competitors. that man? the imitable scott donahoo, he of the scrapple-soaked southern rasp, fashion-forward wardrobe, and penchant for bastardizing rockin’ oldies into something very much his own.

today in craigslist (barter) postings.

special GOLD ALL CAPS edition!

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NATURES GOLD NUGGET CANE WITH OVER FOUR POUND OF THE LARGEST GOLD NUGGETS MOST FOLKS HAVE EVER SEEN, AS THEY CAME OUT OF THE GROUND,

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veggie pug is handstand pisser.

From Ananova:

A Chinese woman says her pet dog has taken to peeing upside down. Mrs Chen, of Changchun city, says 18-month-old ‘Baby’ began peeing in the new position just three months ago.

“He used to pee as other dogs do. But one day I found him putting both hind legs up onto the tree to pee,” she told East Asia Business News.

“I thought maybe that was only for the one day. But from then on, unexpectedly, he would pee in that acrobatic position.”

Chen says Baby’s other unusual trait is that he is a vegetarian.

“He can’t eat meat because it makes him throw up. So I only feed him egg yolk and corn pancakes, and that’s been his main food,” she said.

i hate point guards.

“You know, I hate point guards, so I let it be known. I don’t like point guards and I don’t like to be around point guards. I’m guardophobic. I don’t like it. They shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States.

First of all, I wouldn’t want a point guard on my team. And second of all, if he was on my team, I would, you know, really distance myself from him because, uh, I don’t think that is right. I don’t think he should be in the locker room while we are in the locker room.”

focus on: focus on the family.

so, today is valentine’s day. despite the prevalence of chocolate/flowers/candy, the mood of love, and the seemingly unflappable skill of advertisers to make us wallow in our own self-despair and loneliness, it can be an appalling, infuriating, and demoralizing day for a lot of people. (though not, incidentally, for the walgreen’s cashier who insisted on wishing me a happy valentine’s day. weirdest “you too!” ever.)

but what i think isn’t important. i’d rather look, instead, at the thoughts of focus on the family’s denise morris, a contributor to the site’s boundless line blog. her thoughts include this idea on how to turn that valentine’s day frown upside down and into a biblical smile:

“Honestly, I understand the dislike for the day of love. When you’re single, it’s just a reminder that you have no one to get you flowers, and when you’re in a relationship, there’s pressure to get a good gift and meet romantic expectations.

However, February 14 — whether single, dating or married — can be fun. Last year, my roommate and I hosted a Valentine’s Day party for some of our girl friends. We made a nice dinner and decorated our apartment with red and white. We got everyone small gifts and watched a chick flick. Most importantly, we posted Bible verses around the apartment — reminding all the girls of the agape love God had for them. It might seem a bit corny, but it turned out to be a fun night.”

hooray for optimism and god’s love! it’s so “agape!” but i have other observations.

1. it is corny. but not just a “bit.”

2. are you comparing god’s giant, gaping love to the love of a (presumably male) lover? because isn’t that—i don’t know—blasphemous?

3. i can’t speak for everyone, but no one believes you hung bible verses around your apartment.

4. which “chick flick” did you watch? seriously. this is the most compelling possible detail you could’ve included to make you seem like a real person, and you left it out. did the movie have sexual themes? which ones? did you cry when mandy moore didn’t get that thing she wanted?

5. are you gonna meet god’s romantic expectations?

what’s on clearance at walmart.com?

Item: Laptop Cart, Maple

Was: $36.86

Clearance price: $31.87

Features and specs:

Designed with versatility in mind, this laptop cart features a locking storage compartment, adjustable height and a tilting work surface. The dual-wheel castors help the cart glide easily, so you can effortlessly push the cart anywhere. It offers a moveable desk area, so that you can get the most out of your portable computer.

• Locking storage compartment
• Rolls easily
• Adjustable height
• Tilting work surface
• Maple finish

Why you need it: Lacking a lap, desk, shelf, counter, or pile of corpses, where the fuck else will you put your laptop? Furthermore, this handsome stand (which looks like a backless rolling chair but just isn’t, ok?) has wheels to make your otherwise sedentary computer somehow…portable. Are you listening, Silicon Valley?

möchten sie meinen strauch, unartige deutsche sehen?

in a world still reeling from the loss of its candle in the wind (v. 3.0), thank you, sharon stone, for amping up the public, blonde crazy.

(sic): a closer look at random myspace profiles.

a new series wherein myspace pages are viewed, evaluated, copied, pasted, and jovially mocked.

Name: Dark Angel *Heartbreak Hotel*
Age: 25 years old
Location: Meriden, Connecticut
General: “line dancing, hiking, driving go-carts, hanging out with those who mean the most to me.”
Homepage Pimposity: 2/5
The background image of a killer whale in mid-jump reminds me of my whaling youth.
Friend count: N/A
Song playing: “Stand,” Rascal Flatts
Children: someday
Animated gif/jpeg tally: more than 25
Date viewed: 2/13/07

africa or star wars: which is the one true religion?

If you don’t already know, there’s this website called pitchforkmedia.com, and they run articles about indie rock albums. I mean, if you can think of an indie rock album, it’s very likely that they’ve reviewed it. That’s called being comprehensive, and that’s what they’re all about.

Anyhoo, sometimes they veer away from indie rock albums and venture out into other realms — indie rock singles, other albums or singles. But sometimes they speak to us about the world at large. And it has happened again.

Pitchforkmedia.com writer Chris Dahlen asks the question that others were too afraid to ask: “Which topic is more popular on the Internet, Star Wars or the continent of Africa?”

This article combines everything I love about good sociology. A seemingly random central hypothesis? Check! Hilariously intricate detail about Star Wars nerds? It’s in there! Angry condemnation of American laissez faire attitudes? Ching-ching! Mr. Dahlen, you are a peach.