so, you want to be a new american gladiator.

in addition to the proper attire, in addition to bringing your introduction videotape and two (2) non-returnable photos with you to the open call, you’ll have to answer some rather probing and intense questions if you want to be a contestant on the new american gladiators (working title).

are you adequately prepared? below are some highlights of the 27-page (!) application, or you can have a look at the whole thing here.

1) Who is your current employer and occupation? (What job pays your bills now?)

“listen, we’re not fucking around here. we’re going to ask probing, intense questions, and if the language is too dense, well, maybe we’ll parse it for you.”

3) What is the next milestone in your life if you do not make the show?

look, we know that this is the biggest thing that will ever happen to you. but just out of curiosity, what’s the next biggest?

6) Who are your current roommates? How well do you get along?

16) Who do you live with and for how long?

NBC, the company that redefined the word “gladiator” for a new generation, has trouble with the word “roommate.”

10) How are you competitive in your every day life?


13) Have you had any experiences that have traumatized you? If yes, please explain:

19) What conversation topics are “off limits” for you at a dinner party?

21) If you were going to be in People magazine, what inside info about you would be put up next to your picture?

“what’s the best way for us to not only get under your skin, but craft your persona and storyline for the duration of your time on the show?”

26) What are you afraid of or dislike? Circle a number 1-5.

How much do you fear? 1=No Fear 3=Dislike 5=Can’t Stand

Falling 1 2 3 4 5

Closed in Spaces 1 2 3 4 5

The Ocean 1 2 3 4 5

The Dark 1 2 3 4 5

Heights 1 2 3 4 5

Drowning 1 2 3 4 5

Fire 1 2 3 4 5

Flying 1 2 3 4 5

Lakes 1 2 3 4 5

here at NBC, we draw a distinction between regular drowning, drowning in a lake, drowning in an ocean, and just being afraid of either an ocean or a lake.

27) How much skill do you have at…? (Be honest)
1= Never Done it → 3/4/5 =Recreational → 7=World Class

Base Jumping, Being Bratty, Bungee Jumping, Cliff Diving, Contact Sports, Gymnastics, Hang gliding, High Diving, Manipulating People, Motorcycle Riding, Risky Behavior, Rock Climbing, Rollerblading, Rope Climbing, Scuba Diving, Skiing, Skydiving, Snowboarding, Strategizing, Street Fighting, Surfing, Tempting Opposite Sex, Whitewater Rafting, Working Out

so yeah, champion base-jumping, rock-climbing gymnasts will be pitted against world class brats who tempt the opposite sex. or…just maybe…NBC will luck out and find all those talents in one super gladiator jerk tempter.

39) In the lines below, write a short Poem or rap

40) Draw a picture of yourself in the box below

oh god oh god please release these.


1 Response to “so, you want to be a new american gladiator.”

  1. 1 BlueVelveeta October 23, 2007 at 5:24 am

    And is there anyone who CAN stand “Drowning”?

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