this show. this fucking show (incredulous emphasis mine).
From the producers of ABC’s The Bachelor (!!) comes The Great American Dream Vote, a new show that gives anyone and everyone the chance to make his/her lifelong dream come true. In this fast-paced (wrong) and exciting (god, no) series, all you need is the ability to dream — and to convince America to vote for you. Want to make magic and miracles in your life? Just tap into your fantasies — from having your own chicken petting zoo to a Bassett Hound senior center, a dream wedding to saving the family business — anything is possible. (did anyone double-check that sentence for hilarity before posting?) All you have to do is convince America to vote for you.
The Great American Dream Vote, hosted by pop icon Donny Osmond, will premiere WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET), with a special preview airing TUESDAY, MARCH 27 (10:00-11:00 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network.
The Great American Dream Vote challenges contestants to reveal their wildest dreams on primetime television, and then the studio audience votes on which contestant’s dream stays alive. Here’s how it works: Each episode will introduce contestants from all across America who will reveal a lifelong dream to the studio audience and explain why the dream deserves to be fulfilled. (sample: “i want hair because i currently don’t have any!”) The contestants will square off when the studio audience casts votes, eliminating several rounds of players. At the end of each show, two finalists will remain. Viewers at home will then vote on which of the two most deserves to have his or her dream realized. The winner will be revealed the following week.
The show is hosted by Donny Osmond, whose multi-faceted 43-year career has evolved from pre-teen recording idol with the Osmond’s into such varied roles as host of talk, variety and game shows, the toast of Broadway in Beauty and the Beast, bestselling author, and solo recording star with 33 gold and platinum records to his credit.
nevermind the title, which is mind-fuckingly ridiculous. forget about donny osmond, a cultural afterthought who looks like an animatronic, sand-blasted hybrid of mr. belding and a pancake, and can’t speak…a SENtence. inareasonableCADENCE. pay no mind to the too-ready-to-awwww audience who were clearly shown videos of pandas napping and puppies licking babies before the show to amp up their endless sympathy. no, nevermind that. what’s really fascinating here are the dreams of people. real, american people and their lifelong dreams. lifelong dreams like not being bald. like starting a rescue center for senior basset hounds (wtf wtf wtf). like making your daughter fulfill your own porcelain dandy dreams of being a fucking beauty queen. seriously america? these are your dreams? seriously abc, you want to help these people? tell them how a loan works and send them to bank. or teach them how to work for things they want.
but not this. these aren’t miracles and this isn’t magic. it’s absurd and insulting.