handicapping the next ‘dancing with the stars’

every now and then, the forces of delicious irony unite in such a strong, convincing way that it’s hard to ignore the media’s collective “are you shitting me that it’s going to be this easy?”

one such case comes with today’s hopping good news that when ABC’s dancing with the stars returns to grab our undivided attention on march 9, it will feature the second ex-mrs. mccartney, heather mills. is that ironic in and of itself? no, of course not. but heather mills has a wooden leg (or “artificial limb,” if you prefer euphemisms). and she’ll be competing in a dance competition full of two-legged stars. something she decidedly isn’t. oh boy.

of course, maybe it’s a better angle than a string of yoko ono comparisons. or not:

Jerry Springer, one of last season’s competitors, teased ABC’s “Good Morning America” audience before tossing out Mills’ name.

“She may be a sentimental favorite,” said Springer, even though Mills has Yoko Ono-like favorability ratings among many Beatles fans. Her selection delivers a message that whatever challenges people face in life, they can dance, he said.

the rest of the new cast hoping to get a leg up (see how easy it is?) on this ratings-sucking tom bergeron vehicle, along with their career-defining descriptors, are listed below:

  • Olympian Apolo Anton Ohno
  • boxer Laila Ali
  • basketball star Clyde Drexler
  • actor Vincent Pastore
  • country star Billy Ray Cyrus
  • former ‘N Sync member Joey Fatone
  • Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey
  • former “Entertainment Tonight” host Leeza Gibbons
  • model Paulina Porizkova
  • former “Beverly Hills, 90210” star Ian Ziering
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