Now that the finalists have been announced for television’s most popular singing competition (other than the one where you get to sing for INXS), I would like to take this moment to introduce you to some little known facts about the contestants. This handy field guide should help you when you’re trying to decide who to root for when you watching something else (because the show isn’t interesting from this point on anyway).
First, I’d like to thank the man upstairs:
America loves it some Jesus. Of all of the Aramaic-speaking dudes in the history of the world, he is number one in the congealed hearts of this great land. Just about everyone on the show loves them some church. Regrettably, seven of them could not find time to give a shout-out to the Big Dude Up There.
- Blake: This beat-boxing, Kevin Federline fan is the poster boy for Godless living, and I will take great pleasure in burning those posters to cinders.
- Gina: This tattooed cat lady has numerous lucky charms, loves Green Day, and dyes her hair. My guess: pagan.
- Brandon: Brandon lives in Hollywood, plays violent video games, and listens to the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies. His date with eternal misery is imminent.
- Leslie: This young woman shows the classic symptoms of heathenism. When God gives you lupus, why not make lemonade? This is another example of the selfishness of the terminally ill, and it frankly makes me sick.
- Nicole: Nic carries around a charm bracelet for luck, which suggests that she believes in some variety of hocus pocus. My early bet is that she is a voodooist but this is unconfirmed.
- Rudy: Jazzbo choral singers rarely embrace faith, but he is apparently also a saxophonist. Dude is toast.
- Sanjaya: Another strong candidate for hellfire. His name sounds foreign, so that’s enough for me.
What I really want to do is direct:
Singers aren’t made — they’re born, they toil, they get hair treatment, and then they’re perfected. “I was humming when I was one, before I could talk,” says Alisa. Brandon has been singing since, well, “As early as I can remember.” That’s probably pretty early, depending on head trauma. Leslie began singing “right away.” Paul began “as soon as I could speak.”
But some of these people don’t show the proper passion for their craft. Singing is something they just took up, like knitting, yoga, or grad school. I have no patience for these fuckers:
Melinda: This big-voiced soul singer has all the signs of true musical passion, but don’t be fooled. She started singing in the 7th grade. Pathetic.
Chris S: High school! This Jack Osbourne-lookalike might have a nice voice, but we all know that two years from now he’ll be blowing lines of oxy off a hooker’s arse. Fraud!
Haley, Nicole & Antonella: Like Melinda, these girls didn’t start until they were in the 6th or 7th grade. Now they are singers, but soon they will undoubtedly be featured in soft-core porn films.
Will there ever be someone on the show who actually has good taste?
The judges and producers who offer these singing douches to the public every year have done an excellent job in ensuring that the next great pop stars have no music taste whatsoever. This makes them more susceptible to the handlers and songwriters who will subsequently create the future bad tastes of future performers.
Every once in awhile, though, a few slip through the cracks. This year’s bad apple is Leslie, who enjoys the music of Nina Simone, Radiohead, Feist, Ella Fitzgerald, Joni Mitchell, and the White Stripes. Her imminent death from lupus is probably the only thing preventing us from unleashing some sort of hellish concept album in the next few years.
As a point in contrast, consider Lakisha Jones. Lakisha has an unbelievably good voice, which would potentially suggest great taste in music. However, Lakisha actually doesn’t have any taste in music whatsoever. Her favorite female singers include Kelly Clarkson and … well, that’s it. Her favorite male performers are “n/a”. This girl has it all, and I think she would be a shoo-in were she not an obese woman.
More on Jack Osbourne:
He’s funny, but he went to Bob Jones University for fuck’s sake. When he isn’t jamming to Adam Duritz and Ben Folds Five, this sad sack grooves to his various Christian music CDs. Remember: we all thought George W. Bush was funny, and look how that turned out.
I’m so tired.