turd blossom jr responds!

if you’ve been lucky enough to avoid the mental stain of the nauseating new allegations against lou pearlman, let’s refresh: vanity fair recently posted an article with accusations from several of the ex-boyband members whose careers pearlman helped launch suggesting that the karl rovian manager slash promoter slash business slab made sexually inappropriate advances towards some of them, including requiring boyband BJs for career advancement, performing nasty massages, and engaging in half-naked bed wrestling, in addition to being—generally speaking—gross.

well now pearlman is responding to these allegations via truth-seeking vessel, radar. the article can be found here, but among the most powerful and back-breaking defenses:

On an incident described in the Vanity Fair story in which former Take 5 boy-band member Tim Christofore describes Pearlman swan diving on a bed full of boys and wrestling with them wearing only a towel (which falls off):
“T.J. [Christofore] is making up this story. He sued me in child labor court and lost. If what he says is true, you would think he would have brought it up to help his case. The fact that he never mentioned this in court should tell you where he’s coming from. He’s just trying to join the lynch party. Besides, I’ve never owned a towel that could wrap all the way around me anyway.”

elizabeth taylor is slightly noncommittal about marriage.

so, you want to be a new american gladiator.

in addition to the proper attire, in addition to bringing your introduction videotape and two (2) non-returnable photos with you to the open call, you’ll have to answer some rather probing and intense questions if you want to be a contestant on the new american gladiators (working title).

are you adequately prepared? below are some highlights of the 27-page (!) application, or you can have a look at the whole thing here.

1) Who is your current employer and occupation? (What job pays your bills now?)

“listen, we’re not fucking around here. we’re going to ask probing, intense questions, and if the language is too dense, well, maybe we’ll parse it for you.”

3) What is the next milestone in your life if you do not make the show?

look, we know that this is the biggest thing that will ever happen to you. but just out of curiosity, what’s the next biggest?

6) Who are your current roommates? How well do you get along?

16) Who do you live with and for how long?

NBC, the company that redefined the word “gladiator” for a new generation, has trouble with the word “roommate.”

10) How are you competitive in your every day life?

…very?

13) Have you had any experiences that have traumatized you? If yes, please explain:

19) What conversation topics are “off limits” for you at a dinner party?

21) If you were going to be in People magazine, what inside info about you would be put up next to your picture?

“what’s the best way for us to not only get under your skin, but craft your persona and storyline for the duration of your time on the show?”