hey, wildfire victims, iraqi citizens, and others dealing with middling crises: try being britney.

sure, sure, maybe you lost your home in a fire started by a little boy with matches, maybe your country has been invaded and bungled by an outside force, or perhaps you’re poor or lonely or raped or dying. or maybe all of those. that’s rough, but you know what’s, like, really hard? recording albums and shit, and like, remembering you have kids. y’all:

Britney Spears defended her parenting and chastised her critics, lamenting “how cruel our world can be,” in a brief interview on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show Wednesday.

When “American Idol” host, who has a morning radio show on KIIS-FM in Los Angeles, asked Spears if she was doing all she could for her children, Spears replied, “Oh God yeah.”

“People say what they want and do what they do and it’s sad how people, how cruel our world can be,” she said. “At the end of the day … you’ve just got to know in your heart that you’re doing the best you can and that’s basically it.”

bram stoker’s larry king

seriously, what the hell is going on with his hair here. and when will he interview it.

no, no, no. wait…yes! viva laughlin is a GREAT idea!

update: after merely two (2) episodes, viva laughlin has been cancelled. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

oh, right.

woman hits giraffe with car. in south carolina.

for a state plagued by controversy over the confederate flag and pretty much no additional things, south carolina now has another huge, racially divisive problem on its hands: it’s probably being overrun by giraffes. highway giraffes.

dubious? think it was probably a deer or a horse? well, this lady knows what deer and horses look like. from the post and courier (they couldn’t decide on one, apparently):

The 911 dispatcher sounded incredulous.

A giraffe? Yes, the woman caller insisted.

The animal she sideswiped in her car while driving on S.C. Highway 174 near the Dahoo Bridge Thursday morning was a giraffe.

“I do know one thing: it was bigger than a horse,” she told the operator. “I know what a deer looks like. I know what a horse looks like.”

There were two of them in the road, she said. She couldn’t avoid hitting one of them. It damaged her passenger-side mirror.

Were they injured? The caller wasn’t sure. They ran away.

the highly entertaining audio is here. if there was an award for incredulity, the 911 operator should certainly be given some consideration.

hey, remember that baby whose idiot parents let her fall into their well in the ’80s?

well, now she’s angelica huston. and is soon to be a millionaire:

MIDLAND, Texas – The 18-month old girl pulled from a backyard well two decades ago is now a young wife and mother — one waiting to collect donations given to her during her ordeal that are expected to total $1 million or more.

The anniversary of Jessica McClure’s rescue passed Tuesday like almost every other day in the 21-year-old’s life, with no public comment from her about the event that once captivated viewers around the world.

The young wife and mother is living quietly in this West Texas oil patch city, the same one where she fell into the backyard well.

today in fanfiction: a very special growing pains

in this edition of internet fanfic, we finally learn what became of tv’s the seaver family after whatever happened in their final episode, which probably involved some of that trademark thickian smarm, a plot-contrived mix-up, and a guy named boner. critically important revelations contained here include: mom and pop seaver are dead, chrissy’’s birthday is coming up, and carol is sorry she exists but also knows a thing or two about being used.

behold:

Mike came in looking very angry.

“Where is Carol” Mike asked Ben angrily.

“In her room” Ben replied taking a bite of his sandwich.

“How could you do that to me?” Mike shouted as soon as he got into Carol’s room.

“Do what to you Mike?” Carol asked.

“You told on me. I thought you would be on my side since you’re my sister.”

“Mike what you were doing was wrong I had to stop you,” Carol said.

“SO now dating a girl is wrong.” Mike yelled.

“No, Mike you and me both now you were going to use her. Do you know how bad that is?” Carol said getting very angry with Mike now.

“So what. You were right I was going to use her. But she would have gotten over it anyways.”

“No she wouldn’t have, you don’t know how it feels like to be used do you?” Carol said.

“oh and you do?”

holy crap, the osmonds.

look at how they rock, in the way that only a gigantic mormon family in the 70’s could.

who’s being thrown under the bus?

• the democratic base
• “my bitch-ass wife”
• don rumsfeld
• IT teams
• alberto gonzalez
• smokers
• everything from microsoft
• transgender people
• a-rod
• taxpayers
• the anti-war left
• a 309-pound guy

a google image search for “wtf”

turd blossom jr responds!

if you’ve been lucky enough to avoid the mental stain of the nauseating new allegations against lou pearlman, let’s refresh: vanity fair recently posted an article with accusations from several of the ex-boyband members whose careers pearlman helped launch suggesting that the karl rovian manager slash promoter slash business slab made sexually inappropriate advances towards some of them, including requiring boyband BJs for career advancement, performing nasty massages, and engaging in half-naked bed wrestling, in addition to being—generally speaking—gross.

well now pearlman is responding to these allegations via truth-seeking vessel, radar. the article can be found here, but among the most powerful and back-breaking defenses:

On an incident described in the Vanity Fair story in which former Take 5 boy-band member Tim Christofore describes Pearlman swan diving on a bed full of boys and wrestling with them wearing only a towel (which falls off):
“T.J. [Christofore] is making up this story. He sued me in child labor court and lost. If what he says is true, you would think he would have brought it up to help his case. The fact that he never mentioned this in court should tell you where he’s coming from. He’s just trying to join the lynch party. Besides, I’ve never owned a towel that could wrap all the way around me anyway.”

elizabeth taylor is slightly noncommittal about marriage.

so, you want to be a new american gladiator.

in addition to the proper attire, in addition to bringing your introduction videotape and two (2) non-returnable photos with you to the open call, you’ll have to answer some rather probing and intense questions if you want to be a contestant on the new american gladiators (working title).

are you adequately prepared? below are some highlights of the 27-page (!) application, or you can have a look at the whole thing here.

1) Who is your current employer and occupation? (What job pays your bills now?)

“listen, we’re not fucking around here. we’re going to ask probing, intense questions, and if the language is too dense, well, maybe we’ll parse it for you.”

3) What is the next milestone in your life if you do not make the show?

look, we know that this is the biggest thing that will ever happen to you. but just out of curiosity, what’s the next biggest?

6) Who are your current roommates? How well do you get along?

16) Who do you live with and for how long?

NBC, the company that redefined the word “gladiator” for a new generation, has trouble with the word “roommate.”

10) How are you competitive in your every day life?

…very?

13) Have you had any experiences that have traumatized you? If yes, please explain:

19) What conversation topics are “off limits” for you at a dinner party?

21) If you were going to be in People magazine, what inside info about you would be put up next to your picture?

“what’s the best way for us to not only get under your skin, but craft your persona and storyline for the duration of your time on the show?”

dear tbs: could you please cool it with the frank tv ads.

dear tbs:

we haven’t spoken in a while. mostly, our relationship has consisted of my avoiding your endless everybody loves raymond (slash friends slash seinfeld slash every other popular sitcom of the last 20 years) reruns and remorsefully tuning in to watch your grating braves’ broadcasts whenever they played the mets.

but new things are afoot in turnerland. while the reruns are still ubiquitous and off-putting, your version of playoff baseball (with a few exceptions*) has been refreshingly enjoyable, and even at its worst, leaps and bounds more watchable than fox.

however, your attempts at original programming (ugh, my boys) and more specifically, the advertising of same, is problematic. wait, wrong word: it’s an assault. so, could you please cool it with the frank tv ads?

listen, this isn’t about my feelings for frank caliendo (he’s generally awful and unfunny, though he does do at least 2.1 decent impressions, albeit mixed in with 37 other lame ones, as is the operating ratio for many impressionists). this is about the incessant advertising. about the incessant awful advertising. about not needing to see never-before-attempted impressionist targets (nicholson! pacino! george w!) trotted out 2 or 3 times during each commercial break. (seriously.) we get it. the dude pretends he’s other dudes (and because he’s a portly fellow, most of his creations, with the exception of his fame-making john madden, bear a poor physical resemblance to their namesake) and says unfunny things with sounds that poorly approximate their voices. there is a program — beginning six weeks from now! — that will showcase this singular talent. some people will inexplicably love it. great. but could you please cool it with the frank tv ads?

thanks.

sincerely,

a blog.
*namely: chip caray, the red/green arrow graphic when there’s a runner on first, joe simpson, airing the entirety of “god bless america,” and the continued fellating of everything yankee.

that giant bag really makes her look thin.

while this might otherwise be cause for alarm, let us not forget: SHE IS DOLL PARTS.

rock of love romance collapse: the aftermath

despite a hair metal-solid foundation based on reality show competitions, binge drinking, gossip, and groupiedom, the fairy tale romance between brett “whassa goin on?” michaels, late of poison, and jes “not the stripper or the batshit crazy one, but the gwen stefani-ish one” rickleff lasted about the length of a nonstop southwest flight from LAX to midway.

page six reports on the vague, presumably grizzly details:

REALITY TV-show relationships don’t last long, especially at VH1. In fact, “Rock of Love” star Brett Michaels never even got started with the “girlfriend” he selected last season, Jes Rickleff. Sources tell The Post’s Melissa Jane Kronfeld that Michaels was informed by the pink-haired punk rocker over the phone that she had taken up with a Chicago clothing designer upon returning home to the windy city. VH1 has renewed “Rock of Love” for a second season, but has not announced if Michaels will be its heartthrob.

how could this be? why could this be? the questions are too intense to consider, too hurtful. let us instead remember the good times.

(also, let me implore vh1: please give “rodeo” her own show. please.)

and then, this happened.

let’s be honest: any sort of context could only hurt here.

but raise your hand if you predicted the fiddle-off!

why not watch a video: rebbie jackson’s “centipede”

some things you may learn:

• if you emerge from a painting, you may be able to nonchalantly shoot very real-looking lightning bolts
• cobras can also shoot lightning bolts
• centipedes get hot, which is something you can feel
• tigers

happy anniversary!

it’s the 67-day anniversary of our last blog post, and to celebrate, here is a picture of a weightlifting parrot: