Archive for March, 2007

what did we do, baby, before i poured a drink in your face while you slept and put you in a choke hold. sha la la laaaa.

in addition to introducing the term “un-arrested,” this article informs us of the current exploits of one brian bonsall, the shark jump-inducing young keaton son who impressed the clan with his floppy haircut and ability to speak. he’s available for work, so long as you can post his bail.

A former “Family Ties” child star was arrested this week on suspicion of domestic violence.

Brian Bonsall, 25, faces possible charges of felony second-degree assault and misdemeanor false imprisonment after his girlfriend told police that he poured an alcoholic drink in her face as she slept, put her in a choke hold and threw her onto a bed several times when she tried to leave.

Bonsall remains at the Boulder County Jail in lieu of a $5,000 bond and is expected to be formally charged Tuesday.

His girlfriend, Lindsay Dunavan, called police at 6:35 a.m. Wednesday to the apartment she shares with Bonsall at 2800 Balsam Ave. When officers arrived, Bonsall said he threw his girlfriend down in self-defense because she came at him with a steak knife and cut his arm and face. Dunavan, 26, denied slashing Bonsall.

Police initially arrested the couple but “un-arrested” Dunavan about an hour later, according to a police report.

Boulder police Detective Colleen Wilcox said Thursday that it became questionable whether enough probable cause existed to arrest Dunavan after further investigation, and officers were looking at Bonsall as the “prominent aggressor” in the case.

Wilcox said they are unsure how Bonsall received his injuries.

Bonsall was arrested in 2004 on suspicion of drinking and driving after police say he suddenly stopped his gray SUV near the intersection of Broadway and College Avenue as a passenger stuck his head out the window and vomited. When police asked how much Bonsall, who was driving, had been drinking, he replied, “Plenty” — half a pint of Jim Beam, the officer’s report said.

His driver’s license previously had been revoked for an alcohol offense in 2001.

Bonsall’s arrest history also includes two allegations of failure to appear in court for underage drinking in Broomfield and Boulder counties, according to police records.

His name also appears in four other Boulder police reports involving allegations of domestic violence and assault from 2002 and 2004, but no arrests were made. Those records were not available Thursday.

Bonsall starred as Andy Keaton on “Family Ties” from 1986 to 1989 alongside Michael J. Fox and later appeared on “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” He also had several movie roles in the 1990s, including “Blank Check” and “Mikey,” according to TV.com.

His latest police report stated he is unemployed.

tori amos changes name to gwyneth denver, crashes new baby “converse” into pacific. alcohol suspected.

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breaking news: a shit ton of people shop at tj maxx.

turdblossom kicks it old school.

UPDATE: now with difficult-to-stomach moving images and sound. the real fun begins after about a minute and a half.

gold-braceleted praying mantis attacks lavish party.

a conversation between gmail sponsored links.

“Are You a Happy Person?”

“Hookups with Hotties. Coffee Exposed.”

“Have Fun with your Socks. Halloween Eyes.”

“Using an Unlicensed Bank?”

“Clean Up My Credit. Buy Chicken Poop Lip Balm.”

“Looking for a Sleepsack? Take Back Your Heart.”

“Buddhism Ringtone.”

msnbc.com moves further away from journalism, closer to older relative who wants to sound culturally relevant to the wacky youths.

msnbc.jpg

oh, you’ve done it now, abc television network.

this show. this fucking show (incredulous emphasis mine).

From the producers of ABC’s The Bachelor (!!) comes The Great American Dream Vote, a new show that gives anyone and everyone the chance to make his/her lifelong dream come true. In this fast-paced (wrong) and exciting (god, no) series, all you need is the ability to dream — and to convince America to vote for you. Want to make magic and miracles in your life? Just tap into your fantasies — from having your own chicken petting zoo to a Bassett Hound senior center, a dream wedding to saving the family business — anything is possible. (did anyone double-check that sentence for hilarity before posting?) All you have to do is convince America to vote for you.

The Great American Dream Vote, hosted by pop icon Donny Osmond, will premiere WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET), with a special preview airing TUESDAY, MARCH 27 (10:00-11:00 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network.

The Great American Dream Vote challenges contestants to reveal their wildest dreams on primetime television, and then the studio audience votes on which contestant’s dream stays alive. Here’s how it works: Each episode will introduce contestants from all across America who will reveal a lifelong dream to the studio audience and explain why the dream deserves to be fulfilled. (sample: “i want hair because i currently don’t have any!”) The contestants will square off when the studio audience casts votes, eliminating several rounds of players. At the end of each show, two finalists will remain. Viewers at home will then vote on which of the two most deserves to have his or her dream realized. The winner will be revealed the following week.

The show is hosted by Donny Osmond, whose multi-faceted 43-year career has evolved from pre-teen recording idol with the Osmond’s into such varied roles as host of talk, variety and game shows, the toast of Broadway in Beauty and the Beast, bestselling author, and solo recording star with 33 gold and platinum records to his credit.

nevermind the title, which is mind-fuckingly ridiculous. forget about donny osmond, a cultural afterthought who looks like an animatronic, sand-blasted hybrid of mr. belding and a pancake, and can’t speak…a SENtence. inareasonableCADENCE. pay no mind to the too-ready-to-awwww audience who were clearly shown videos of pandas napping and puppies licking babies before the show to amp up their endless sympathy. no, nevermind that. what’s really fascinating here are the dreams of people. real, american people and their lifelong dreams. lifelong dreams like not being bald. like starting a rescue center for senior basset hounds (wtf wtf wtf). like making your daughter fulfill your own porcelain dandy dreams of being a fucking beauty queen. seriously america? these are your dreams? seriously abc, you want to help these people? tell them how a loan works and send them to bank. or teach them how to work for things they want.

but not this. these aren’t miracles and this isn’t magic. it’s absurd and insulting.

i guess this is why you don’t tell.

what are military recruitment office break room conversations like, i wonder. do they involve all CAPS, racist, homophobic tirades? or more like grey’s anatomy recaps?

thank you for this image, msnbc.com.

man hugs the head off garfield statue; odie watches in idle silence.

Beheaded Garfield statue had flaws

MARION, Ind.—It turns out that the city’s beheaded statue of Garfield the cat wasn’t built quite right. But that isn’t getting the man who broke it off the hook.

The fiberglass head of the cartoon cat was missing for three days in December before it was found along the side of a country road near the Mississinewa Reservoir.

City Parks and Recreation Director Belinda Hussong said Thursday that flaws were found in the statue as Garfield creator Jim Davis’ company, Paws Inc., was getting it repaired.

“They had talked to the company that had constructed the Garfield and realized that the head wasn’t reinforced the way it was supposed to have been,” she said. “It was built well, but it was not reinforced like it was supposed to have been at that stress point.”

Prosecutors told a judge about the problem Thursday before Joseph Savarino, 23, Wabash, was given a 90-day suspended sentence and ordered to perform 40 hours of community service and pay $200 in restitution.

Savarino pleaded guilty last month to misdemeanor charges of criminal mischief and criminal conversion, saying he panicked after the statue’s head came off when he hugged it.

“I’m very sorry that I did it,” he said during Thursday’s hearing. “It was not on purpose.”

Davis, the cartoonist, grew up on a farm near the city halfway between Indianapolis and Fort Wayne.

today in the forums: internet posts taken out of context, hannah montana edition

Forum: Hannah Montana

Thread: If you could be on Hannah Montana……

User:
missfrizzyLevel 13
Regal Beagle

Posts: 250

Posted: 03/15/2007 5:06pm

Comment:

I would be Oliver’s stepsister named mia make fun of oliver because hes has a poorer family that mia rich family and learn mileys secret and keep it a secret.

for your (re)consideration: the cranberries’ “i just shot john lennon.”

never really known for their powerful and sublime lyrics, the cranberries—with their tanks, and their bombs, and their bombs, and their guns—were nonetheless fairly popular when their third album, to the faithful departed, was released in 1996. despite featuring the screechy, anti-heroin semi-hit,”salvation,” it was crap. bland, poorly written, over-earnest crap.

and though “war child” and “bosnia” were equally loaded with cringe-worthy attempts at profundity (“war child, victim of political pride/plant the seed, territorial greed/mind the war child/we should mind the war child”), the real winner in this category is “i just shot john lennon,” which is about exactly what it sounds like. in addition to hilariously suggesting that lennon “perceptively” knew he was going to be killed (and that it wouldn’t be “nice”), lead singer dolores o’riordan also posits that, prior to his death, lennon’s life was somehow in “debate.”

oh, and the studio version has fucking gun shots, just to make it clear what happened on that fearful night.

I Just Shot John Lennon

It was the fearful night of December 8th.
He was returning home from the studio late.
He had perceptively known that it wouldn’t be nice.
Because in 1980, he paid the price.

John Lennon died.

With a Smith & Wesson 38,
John Lennon’s life was no longer a debate.
He should have stayed at home,
He should have never cared,
And the man who took his life declared,

He said I just shot John Lennon.
He said I just shot John Lennon.
What a sad and sorry and sickening sight.
What a sad and sorry and sickening night.
What a sad and sorry and sickening sight.
What a sad and sorry and sickening night.

Ah, ah ah ah, ah…

I just shot John Lennon.
He said I just shot John Lennon.
What a sad and sorry and sickening sight.
What a sad and sorry and sickening night.
What a sad and sorry and sickening sight.
What a sad and sorry and sickening night.

Ah, ah ah ah, ah…

celebrity gays wear things.

rip anna nicole

move over, brown v. board of education

In a slight diversion from our typical fare, I’d like to spend a little time today discussing the Supreme Court of this here United States. You may have heard of this somewhat obscure group, a staple of the American judiciary up to the 1970s. Lately, they’ve focused more on executive matters (such as choosing who will be president); however, now and then, for the sake of nostalgia, they accept a case to haggle over.

One of their latest puzzles is the “Bong Hits 4 Jesus” case. It promises to be one of the watershed cases in the history of these fruited plains, mostly because it is one of the few that actually could have affected me personally at some point in my life. Joseph Frederick, the creator of the subtly-titled sign, is me … well, not actually, but he could have been. He is an ironic little shit, and so was I. Read up, for next they come for us all.

why can’t i stop looking at this.

hundreds near phoenix inadvertently masturbate to tom brokaw.

it’s so very gratifying that this happened:

MESA, Ariz. (AP) – A cable news program was temporarily replaced with hard-core pornography, shocking viewers who had been watching a health show featuring former NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw.
The incident Monday night on KPPX-TV was “an act of human sabotage” at the Phoenix-area station, said ION Television, which operates the station.

“We have launched a rigorous investigation, and any implicated employees will face strict disciplinary action and termination,” ION Media Networks spokeswoman Leslie Monreal said in a statement.

Brenda Schodt, of Chandler, said she was shocked to look up and see graphic sex acts on her television screen.

“Maybe five or 10 minutes into the show there was no volume,” Schodt said. “I thought it was the TV, but when I looked up, there were these images.”

ION Television, based in West Palm Beach, Fla., declined to say whether the pornography aired beyond the Phoenix market.

take that, brian williams.

(also, thank you to whoever created that amazing image, which is inexplicably the fourth image that appears under a google search for “tom brokaw.”)

so, you just had an abortion.

shouldn’t your friends recognize this event with an ecard? exhale thinks so.

Do you know someone who’s had an abortion?
Are you having trouble knowing what to say?
Do you want to let them know you care?

Send them an e-card.

Remember, each person’s experience with abortion is unique. These e-cards were created to address the range of experiences people can have with abortion. As you consider which e-card to send, think about the person you are sending it to. What do they need to know? What are they feeling? What message will provide the most comfort?

Each card is provided in English and Spanish. Click a link below any card to select the one which you would like to send.

how to preemptively display your innocence to the local news media.

step 1: make a shirt that says you didn’t do it.

step 2: decorate your home with “colorful ornaments…and language.”

step 3: pour out your trash.

step 4: ingest and then slather the potentially harmful substance in question about your face and hair to prove your point.

step 5: get especially indignant towards the fadeout.

step 6: generally speaking, crank up the crazy to appropriate levels.

msnbc.com overestimates everyone.

nope. pretty sure everyone saw this coming.

the greatest films of all time series: leonard pt. 6

I strongly considered writing a 12-page write-up on Bill Cosby’s masterpiece, but The Agony Booth beat me to it. It’s a great way to teach yourself about Cosby’s amazing film, described on IMDb thusly:

After separating from his wife, Leonard Parker (Cosby) quit the spy business and became a restaurateur. His wife refuses to speak with him, and his daughter, who changes her career more often than her clothes, has begun dating a man old enough to be Leonard’s father! On top of it all, the government has asked him to come back and save the world again. The evil Medusa Johnson (Foster) has hypnotized animals into doing her bidding, and plans to use them to take over the world! It’s up to Leonard to save the world, as only he can battle her Vegetarians and man-eating rabbits!

But it’s much better than that. If you happen to be fresh out of cyanide capsules, this fine film is a terrific substitute.

Rating:

cosbiescosbiescosbiescosbiescosbies

hey, hey hey heeeey. hey, hey hey heeeey. (or, “thank you, theme song gods.”)

dear bravo,

your piece-of-shit new reality show, top design, is a bland, tedious piece of shit. but the theme song is perhaps the greatest, most evolved bit of recorded music since LFO informed us of their hatred of chinese food.

so, thanks for that.

signed,

blog

for your (re)consideration: sheena easton’s “sugar walls”

with the subtly of a tornado, sheena easton’s “sugar walls” told us of a place where heaven exists and a sweet place inside which one could lodge for the night. despite it’s apparent innocuousness, this song somehow went to #3 on the r&b charts and landed on tipper gore’s “filthy fifteen” list of songs with indecent lyrics.

 

Where I came from there’s a place called heaven
That’s the place where all the good children go
The houses are of silver, the streets are gold
But there’s more where you come from, my sugar walls

Blood races to your private spots, that lets me know there’s a fire
You can’t fight passion when passion is hot
Temperatures rise inside my sugar walls

Lemme take you somewhere you’ve never been
I could show you things you’ve never seen
I could make you never wanna fall in love again
Come spend the night inside my sugar walls

Take advantage, it’s alright

I feel so alive when I’m with you
Come and feel my presence, it’s reigning tonight
Heaven on earth inside my sugar walls

I can tell you want me, it’s impossible to hide
Your body’s on fire, admit it! Come inside
Come inside my sugar walls
Come spend the night inside my sugar walls

 

white chicks making gang signs: the video.

john popper drives fast with guns, fears rapture.

the weapons win again.perpetual harmonica-playing and runaround-weary blues traveler singer john popper was pulled over in washington while riding in a vehicle he owned that was going 111 mph. also in the vehicle? the requisite “small amount of marijuana,” drug paraphernalia, a PA system, and a shitton of weapons:

SPOKANE, Wash.–Blues Traveler singer and harmonica player John Popper was arrested after the vehicle he was riding in was clocked going 111 mph, the Washington State Patrol said Wednesday. Continue reading ‘john popper drives fast with guns, fears rapture.’

the things ann coulter says …

an ode to rosie o’donnell

Look, I am not much of a Rosie O’Donnell fan. As an artist, she ranges from mediocre to delightfully terrible. As a hostess, she ranges from cloying to woefully offensive. She had never had good hair even once in her entire life. Basically, she is my extended family.

However, I do respect her for her advocacy, and her willingness to be unfiltered and completely herself. Her blog isn’t half bad. I like that she treats Republicans like shit whenever possible. (Hmm, I’m running out of things.)

Well, anyway, in honor of Rosie, I’d like to post a photo from Rosie’s Flickr collection. It can be found after the break …

Continue reading ‘an ode to rosie o’donnell’

fidel gives you candy, jesus christ does not

Here’s a lovely Youtube clip that asks the age old question: if God can perform miracles, why won’t he give me some goddamned candy? My lips are parched and flavorless, and I am sad. Maybe Fidel Castro’s henchman can provide when Jesus cannot?

dog with college degree loved beer bongs, hated research papers, ambivalent about showing up to court.

in a story with wide-reaching ramifications for both greta van sustren’s job security and the westminster kennel club’s application process, a fucking dog somehow got a college degree and is now being called to court:

Dog With College Degree Called To Court

FOSTORIA, Ohio—An attorney challenging the authority of the city’s police chief wants the department’s police dog to appear in court as an exhibit, because he says the dog and the chief have criminal justice degrees from the same online school.

The issue gives “one pause, if not paws, for concern” about what it takes to get the degrees from the school based in the Virgin Islands, Gene Murray wrote in a court document filed Monday.

Murray is seeking to have a drug charge against a client dismissed by arguing that police Chief John McGuire — who is accused of lying on his job application — was not legally employed and had no authority as an officer.

McGuire is to go on trial in March on charges of falsification and tampering with records. A special prosecutor said McGuire lied on his application and resume about his rank, position, duties, responsibilities and salary in three of his previous jobs.

McGuire was hired as chief of this northwest Ohio city a year ago. Continue reading ‘dog with college degree loved beer bongs, hated research papers, ambivalent about showing up to court.’

“some children call it ‘virginia.’”

this creepy-yet-informative video clip about the dangers of sexual predators comes courtesy of the awesome fast hugs, and guarantees to ease your mind if these questions are at the top of it:

  • who cares more about sexual abuse: fonzie, henry wrinkler, john ritter, or a nameless black woman who screams?
  • if we don’t enjoy ourselves, are our knees at risk?
  • does a vulva show when a woman is naked?
  • is the anus useful and do we all have one, despite what we’ve heard?
  • is anyone supposed to touch your private parts?
  • did pedophilia exist in bedrock?
  • can a talking plush snake blackmail you into secrecy about your sexual abuse?
  • hey, remember those bright, magnetic letters that you could stick on your fridge to spell things? wouldn’t they make great video graphics?
  • is self-respect cool? am i?

chinese duck has drinking problem.

(or, “duck, duck, BOOZE”):

Grandpa Cao takes six-year-old Yaya for a walk through Dalian city every day, reports Northeast News Network.

“He understands every instruction I give him, such as to tumble or to fly. But when he’s tired he turns his back on me,” says Cao.

He feeds Yaya on peanuts mainly, but says he also enjoys shrimp and other sea food as snacks – with a beer.

“When he eats, he needs a bowl of beer, otherwise he won’t be happy,” added Cao.